From Pine View Farm

Vlad the Campaigner 0

Dramatis Personae:
Four Villagers
Campaignus Republicanus, an evangelical political consultant.

Time: Two Months from Now

Scene: In the village square of the American Village. Three Villagers are talking stage middle-of-the-road.

(Up curtain)

Villager One: I’m not sure I’m happy with what’s happening.

Villager Two: About what?

Villager One: Well, the deficit keeps going up, my son’s being redeployed to Iraq for the fourth time, the Taliban is coming back in Afghanistan–it’s like, nothing seems to be changing.

Villager Three: I sort of understand. We keep staying the course and all we seem to end up doing is treading water.

(Enter Villager Four, stage middle-of-the-road)

Villager Two: But isn’t the deficit smaller?

Villager One: No, it’s just smaller than the projection. It’s bigger and bigger. And we know who made the projection . . .

Villager Three: Oh. Yeah, that kind of slipped by, but, you know, you’re right. (pause) And this Medicaid Drug Plan–they finally seem to be getting the bugs out of the enrollment, but, gosh, the Feds are paying top dollar for the drugs.

Villager Two: What a mess it was, though. I spent six hours helping my mother enroll!

Villager One: And the other thing that bothers me is the rich just keep getting richer, while the state just had to raise sales taxes to make ends meet. Gosh, the rich people in this country pay fewer taxes than in any other modern country! Must be nice to reap the benefits without paying anything for them!

Villager Four: I’m sorry, I couldn’t help but overhearing part of your conversation. May I butt in?

Villagers One, Two, Three: Sure, it’s a free country (or words to that effect).

Villager Four (musingly): That’s what I’m wondering about. How free is it when the government can read your mail and watch your phone calls and all that stuff without even getting a court order? I mean . . . .

(Enter Republicanus Campaignus, excited and panicky, stage rightwing.)

Republicanus Campaignus: Fire, flood, famine, fire, flood, famine!

All Villagers: What is it?

Republicanus Campaignus (pointing stage rightwing): There! There! There!

All Villagers: What? Where? What?

Republicanus Campaignus: Two brown-skinned gay illegal Mexican immigrants getting married under a burning American flag!!!! Let’s get them!

All Villagers: Grab the torches! Form the posse! Get the infidels!

Exeunt stage rightwing.



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