Beyond Beyond the Fringe category archive

The Firesign Theatre–Proctor, Bergman, Ossman, and Austin–unite at Radio Free Oz.

Live it, or live with it.

Biting off more than she can chew.

At 10:30 p.m., a woman entered the Barn Store at 4650 Tower Road, where she was semi-regular shopper, according to the Denver Police Department.

The woman walked up to a customer, groped him from behind and bit him on the neck.

She then approached a female clerk and asked her for a hug. When the clerk leaned over the counter, the woman bit her in the neck too. After the second alleged bite, the woman left the store with a man in a dark-colored sedan.

The investigation began in September when county police were alerted by Wismer’s grandmother that she planned to sell her newborn baby for $15,000 and use the money to go to Disney World, according to police.

Wismer posted plans to sell the baby on Facebook, authorities said.

I was never tempted to sell one of my kids, though there were times when I would have been willing to give them away . . .

The old fraud is still at it:

A California ministry has again predicted the end of the world is at hand.

The Oakland-based Family Radio International that stirred a global frenzy when it predicted the rapture would take 200 million Christians to heaven on May 21, now says the cataclysmic event will destroy the globe on Friday (that is, today–ed.).

But the world on Friday was undergoing its usual give and take with no signs of such an event.

Either that or a lot of us didn’t make the cut.

Rising star of the right, Florida Senator Mario Rubio, is being attacked by birthers. Some of them are reasoning that, since his parents were Cuban refugees and not citizens, he is not qualified for office, though he is a natural-born United States citizen.

Daniel Ruth reports:

Yes, brothers and sisters, the birthers, many of whom still insist President Barack Obama is really the product of some coo-coo-ca-choo between Nelson Mandela and Jane Fonda in a Kremlin love nest, are back bigger and loopier than ever.

It seems pretty clear that since young Marco Rubio came into this world in Florida and since he was born quite naturally, he is a United States citizen with all of the attendant rights and privileges, including someday rising to the White House if that is what fate has in store for him.

The birthers have hung their pelts on the rather tenuous writings of a relatively obscure 18th century Swiss philosopher, Emer de Vattell, whose 1758 book, The Law of Nations, argued “natural born citizens” should mean only the children born of parents who were already citizens of that nation.

These (and let’s whisper this very quietly — crazy) people are attempting to argue who should and who shouldn’t qualify to become president based on the scribblings of a Swiss guy, writing in French, more than a decade before the start of the American Revolution. That would appear to be about as intellectually honest as a Republican presidential debate.

There is a certain pleasure in watching the crazies attack their own.

That does not render them less crazy.

It’s a frolicking federal case:

Anthony Douglas Elonis, 28, was charged in January with interstate communication of threats.

When federal defender Benjamin Brait Cooper asked agent Denise Stevens if she could explain “disclaimers” that Elonis made with the alleged threats, she said she didn’t know how to. Later, she said the disclaimers “actually made [the posts] seem more threatening to me.”

For example, in a Nov. 6, 2010, post about his estranged wife, Tara, Elonis wrote: “Did you know that it’s illegal for me to say I want to kill my wife? . . . Now, it was OK for me to say it right then because I was just telling you that it’s illegal for me to say I want to kill my wife. I’m not actually saying it.”

Some Americans’ worship of “property values” approaches the absurd.

This little story from the battle of the variances has everything: neighbor’s turned backs, the silent treatment, ex post facto amendments to the bylaws, conflicting press releases . . . .

In 2007, Daniel and Jaime Snyder plunked down more than a half-million dollars to buy a two-story home in the Summerset at Frick Park development in Squirrel Hill.

(snip)

But now the couple’s dream location has become something of a nightmare for their youngest son, 18-month-old Jonah.

Born with congenital glaucoma, the child cannot stand direct sunlight, so his parents petitioned their neighborhood association for permission to put up a $5,000 awning on the front of their house.

The Summerset Neighborhood Association refused on aesthetic grounds.

In a location not far from here, the condo association is known as the “Clipboard Nazis.” They are sadly not unique.

From the Atlanta Journal-Constitution:

According to a Six Flags press release, participants will receive free 2012 season passes if they are able to digest Madagascar hissing cockroaches. A park spokesman said they’ve done such contests before and have been assured by public health officials there is no danger in eating the insects.

Er, yeah.

A Newark-area (Delaware–ed.) mother posted plans to sell her newborn son on Facebook before she allegedly tried to sell him for $15,000 to a Philadelphia man, authorities said in court papers.

I should just give up thinking that there are depths to which Republicans cannot sink:

A (Florida–ed.)state legislator has found yet another example of government regulation getting in the way of job creation.

So Rep. Ritch Workman, R-Melbourne, filed a bill this week to bring back “dwarf tossing,” the barbaric and dangerous barroom spectacle that was imported from Australia and thrived briefly in Florida before it was outlawed in 1989.

“I’m on a quest to seek and destroy unnecessary burdens on the freedom and liberties of people,” Workman said. “This is an example of Big Brother government.

“All that it does is prevent some dwarfs from getting jobs they would be happy to get,” Workman said. “In this economy, or any economy, why would we want to prevent people from getting gainful employment?”

Via Radio Free Oz.

Protecting us against the dreaded breast bomb:

Another day, another ridiculous story about the TSA “making us safer.” This one was submitted by plenty of folks, but Guy Thomas gets credit for being first. It involves a breast cancer patient, Lori Dorn, who recently had a bilateral mastectomy, and has tissue expanders installed. She has a card that explains the details of this, and why it can set off airport security.

Of course, she did set off an alarm at JFK… and then the TSA both refused to let her show the card explaining the details, but also required her to be physically groped by the TSA — with them loudly threatening her that she wouldn’t fly otherwise. They also kept her out of sight from her luggage . . . .

Click for the rest.

Via GNC.

I’m still scratching my head over this one. Nothing fishy in the headers:

Good Morning,

Am Mr. [redacted] and would like to make an Order of Pine Straw Mulch from
you and would like to know three different types and sizes you have in
stock now also let me know the price of each yard and the types of payment
that you accept.Thank you and waiting to hear from you as soon as
possible.

I don’t carry straw. As my two or three regular readers know, I carry mostly the primary by-product of male cattle.

Abercrombie and Fitch, who haven’t always had a stellar record, has had enough. A nugget from the story:

Clothing retailer Abercrombie & Fitch said it would offer “substantial payment” to MTV’s The Jersey Shore’s cast members to stop wearing the brand on air.

Mike “the Situation“ Sorrentino may have to find some new attire for his “gym, tan, laundry“ routine.

Er, yeah.

Neighbors took pictures of the July 29 incident, in which they said they saw Loris in his backyard on all fours facing his dog and barking at him. Neighbors had varying versions of the story, but they said he slapped, punched, choked and kicked the dog, believed to be a pit bull, repeatedly.

Loris told police he “doesn’t beat dogs. He doesn’t even beat women,” according to a police affidavit.

Thoreau comments.

I would be disqualified from the jury. I’ve already decided for the plaintiff:

A Bellevue, Pennsylvania man is suing a dozen FBI agents for allegedly violating his and his family’s constitutional rights when their home was wrongfully raided by agents wielding assault rifles.

The Pittsburg Tribune-Review reported that FBI agents used a battering ram to enter Gary Adams’ rented home in search of a former resident who was charged with being part of a drug gang.

According to the story, the person the Feds were looking for had been gone for two years. Homework, anyone?

On television, these raids never go wrong.

In real life, not so much.

(Link fixed.)

It is most distressing that those who most loudly wave the Bible in public are those who least understand what “God of Love” means.

This is just bizarre:

Thumbtacks scattered along a bicycle route in the rural Pungo area jeopardized more than 200 cyclists, flattened at least 100 tires and caused crashes that hurt at least two riders this past weekend.

The cyclists suffered flat after flat caused by the tacks along Muddy Creek and Charity Neck roads on their Saturday morning route, participants said. Two riders skinned their knees and elbows, said Jack Kenley, another cyclist.

The natives appear to be restless.

I have my beefs with some bicyclists, particularly the ones who run full stops, ride on the wrong side of the road, and go the wrong way on one-way streets. But I have a bigger beef with random vandalism.

Chapter One:

Embroiled in a contentious child custody fight, an Indiana woman decided last month to pose on Facebook as a comely teenage girl in a bid to surreptitiously extract damaging information from her ex-husband.

The scheme proved so successful, in fact, that FBI agents last Friday arrested Angela Voelkert’s former spouse on a felony charge for allegedly installing a listening device in her vehicle, according to court records.

Chapter Two:

Voelkert spent four days in custody until federal prosecutors moved yesterday to drop charges against him. He was freed after proving to investigators that he knew all along that his ex-wife was the one sending him messages from the “Studebaker” account. Voelkert explained that he played along with the ruse so that he could use his ex-spouse’s machinations against her in their custody case.

This may be good, in the sense that one of the things that perpetuates crimes such as rape and abuse is the silence around them.

But, when broadcast via Twitter, it does seem to be in the wrong forum.