Too Stupid for Words category archive

Words fail me.

Republican Georgia state legislator Bobby Franklin thinks that driver’s licenses impose undue restrictions on the right of citizens to travel. So he’s proposed legislation to stop the state from issuing them.

Some bozo keeps coming on my telly vision saying that I should buy his book, Tick Tock, because “New York has never had a great detective hero.”

Like I’m going to buy a detective story from some doofus who denies Nero Wolfe, Ellery Queen, and John Putnam Thatcher, just to mention a few off the top of my head.

Don’t use a knife to slice that tomato. You might cut yourself.

Sleeping alongside your pets can make you sick.

It’s rare, but it happens. That’s why good hygiene means keeping Fluffy and Spot next to the bed, not on it, two experts in animal-human disease transmission say in a forthcoming paper.

In other news, cats creep up to you while you are sleeping and breathe in your spirit, then transport it to Ulthar.

They know where you are:

Tweeting about what club “y’all” are going to tonight? Must be from the South. Looking forward to “suttin” special? Then you probably live in New York. Think that new movie was “koo?” Northern California.

The words you write on Twitter can tell people more than just the status of your relationship or how you like the latest Bon Jovi CD. It may just indicate not only how you’re living, but where you’re living in the U.S.

And if you twit in Spanish, there’s a good chance you’re in Argentina.

One does so hope that the cuisine will be palatable.

Dick Destiny reports on a doctoral dissertation about “Food Defense Management Practices in Private Country Clubs.”

I’ve only dined at one or two private country clubs, once at a reunion and once at a wedding.

I did determine that I needed to defend myself against the food.

Aside:

It appears that, as the number of doctoral candidates increases, the number of non-silly dissertation subjects decreases.

Offered without comment:

A drunken driver with a woman on his lap crashed head-on into a game warden at Hungry Mother State Park on New Year’s Eve, according to police.

(snip)

“Only they know what they were doing; we can’t speculate on that,” said Virginia State Police Sgt. Steve E. Lowe. “As to what they were engaged in, you can draw your own conclusions. She was on his lap – we’re going to leave it at that.”

(Some) Details at the link.

Six girls have been arrested after students were invited on Facebook to take part in “Attack a Teacher Day” at two middle schools.

According to the story, they were arrested the same day as the Nebraska school shooting.

It’s not a Facebook issue, really.

It’s that the internet is a public place, and these folks don’t know how to behave in public.

When I was a teenager, “Don’t get caught” was one of my primary guidelines.

Dallas/Fort Worth Airport plans to file a protest with state liquor regulators over a request for a mixed-beverage license for an upscale strip club scheduled to open this month near the airport’s south entrance.

DFW officials are concerned that arrivals seeing a strip club as they leave airport property would create a bad first impression of Texas.

I’ve been to DFW.

The sight of anything indicating that you are leaving airport property is a welcome sight.

Passengers report seeing a suspicious package on a plane. An arrest follows:

State police said later that the bag contained a set of keys, a bagel with cream cheese, some other small food items, a hat and a wallet.

I’ll be looking forward to seeing this on World’s Dumbest:

According to police interviews with store personnel, Riegler walked over to the self-serve coffee section of the convenience store, removed all of her clothing, danced around the store naked and rubbed up against a customer while making sexual suggestions.

She then walked behind the deli counter and asked an employee if he wanted to have sex with her and grabbed his buttocks.

Follow the link to see the list of charges against her.

This seems a little over-the-top.

A Michigan man has been charged under anti-hacking legislation designed to protect trade secrets after logging on to his wife’s email account and discovering she was having an affair.

Leon Walker, 33, faces a trial lawyers say could have significant repercussions given that nearly half of US divorce cases involve some form of snooping, such as reading emails, text messages or social networking.

Part of the question seems to revolve around whether it was his or hers.

I cannot help but think there is more to the DA’s decision to prosecute than meets the eye.

Zero Tolerance and Maximum Stupid, a match made in heaven.

A 13-year-old boy was arrested Friday for using a permanent marker while in class at his Oklahoma City middle school, a violation of an obscure city ordinance.

According to an Oklahoma City Police Department report, the boy was spotted “in possession of a permanent marker” by Roosevelt Middle School teacher DeLynn Woodside. The 50-year-old educator told cop Miguel Campos that the student was “writing on a piece of paper, which caused it to bleed over onto the desk.”

The kid was thrown into juvie and the cops impounded the marker.

These will convince you that Twitter must die.

From El Reg:

An Indianoplis man was pulled in by cops last week for drunk driving while watching porn.

Actually, he was only charged with drunk driving – Indiana law not appearing to have a law governing the viewing of smut while hurtling down the highway while nominally in control of a tonne-and-a-half of car. At least not at the moment.

He was so engrossed in the flick that he didn’t turn it off when the cop came to his window.

I predict a sales increase for the producers.

Via Balloon Juice.

As much as I detest MacDonald’s–I think it’s ruined burgers for me for the rest of my life–I must say I have not yet seen a three-year old navigate a Ford Exhibition through the drive-through lanes:

A California mother of two and The Center for Science in the Public Interest are suing McDonald’s Corp. to get the fast-food chain to stop using toys to market meals to young children.

They say McDonald’s is violating several consumer protection laws by marketing its Happy Meals directly to young children because it exploits children’s vulnerability.

“What kids see as a fun toy, I now realize is a sophisticated, high-tech marketing scheme that’s designed to put McDonald’s between me and my daughters,” said Monet Parham, of Sacramento. “For the sake of other parents and their children, I want McDonald’s to stop interfering with my family.”

She forgot to give the bottle to the school nurse when she got to school.

A mother and daughter face drug charges after school officials found Ibuprofen in the girl’s purse Monday at Baker Middle School, Columbus (Ohio) police said.

Pamela Lewis, 35, was charged with one count of distributing a dangerous drug. Her 12-year-old daughter was charged with a possession of a dangerous drug and suspended from school for 10 days, according to Lewis’ uncle, Donnie Davis.

(snip)

Davis said Lewis gave her daughter the pills because she had been complaining of cramps.

Zero tolerance, meet maximum stupid.

A man caught naked in a south Mississippi church cemetery says he was trying to take photographs of spirits.

Robert Hurst tells The Picayune Item newspaper that he shed his clothes because he believes skin is the best canvas to show spirits’ orbs of energy.

Really, is it indecent if no sees you but a few ghosts?

But dog bites man is supposed to be not news:

A US Airways flight headed to Phoenix made an emergency landing in Pittsburgh after a dog on board bit a passenger and a flight attendant.

We know where she stands in the phony war on Christmas:

The woman who robbed a Spotsylvania County bank Wednesday afternoon actually robbed two tellers before leaving the bank and shouting “Merry Christmas,” police said.