Republican Family Values, Origins Issue 0

The Republican Party was feeling down and out and depressed. It was disgusted at the debauchery around it.

Horrors! Gay folks wanting to leave the closet where they rightfully belong. Women wanting to be not-barefoot and not-pregnant-all-the-time. Teenagers learning about sex before the baby comes.

Men peeing sitting down!

It just wasn’t like it used to be back in the good ole 1950s 1940s 1890s Republican daydream of what life used to be like.

Against its predilections, the Party decided to take a chance on visiting a shrink.

This wasn’t one of your new, up-to-date cognitive therapists. This was an old line Freudian. Anything after 1950 was far too cutting edge for the Republican Party.

So the Republican Party settled down on the couch. The shrink, being an old-line Freudian, decided to start with the Rorschach test.

He held up an inkblot. “What does this remind you of?” he asked.

“Sex,” answered the Republican Party.

He held of another inkblot. “What does this remind you of?” he asked.

“Sex,” answered the Republican Party.

This went on until the entire library of inkblots was exhausted.

After a long pause, the shrink stroked his goatee (I said he was an old-line Freudian) and said, “I think you are obsessed with sex.”

“Me!” screamed the Republican Party, jumping off the couch.

“You’re the one holding up all the dirty pictures!”

With apologies to Bennett Cerf.