Mike Gruss, writing in the local rag, composes the letters of apology that should have been sent after the recent data breach at Epsilon, which exposed millions of email addresses.
Rest assured, we take your privacy very seriously. When we say “very seriously,” it’s in the same vein as “very important” – like when you call us and wait on hold for 25 minutes and a recorded voice says, “Your call is very important to us.” That’s how seriously we take this.
Remember how we started this email by calling you a valued customer, even though our nearly public records show that you bought flowers from us only once? We mean “very seriously” just like we meant “valued.”
Read the whole thing. It’s a hoot.