How To Select a Watermelon 0

1. Approach the pile of watermelons warily. Remember that a herd of watermelons, like a herd of wildebeests, can be hostile and unpredictable.

2. Clench thumb and forefinger of one hand (either left or fight). Assume serious look that conveys the impression that You Know What You Are Doing.

3. Incline ear towards a melon and tap it with the first joint of the clenched forefinger. Maintain serious look.

4. Repeat for additional random watermelons.

5. Assume look of triumph. Randomly grab a watermelon you reckon you can leverage into a secure grasp and head for checkout. Hope that you got lucky.

6. Remember to purchase bottle of vodka on the way home. If you didn’t get lucky, you can always infuse spike the darned thing.

Which reminds me of the story of the hotel which was hosting two conventions: one of preachers and one of banksters. It being August, both groups had specified watermelons for desert. The banksters, though, had wanted theirs spiked.

Halfway through desert service, the maitre d’ realized, to his horror, that the desert orders had been mixed up. He grabbed a waiter:

“Joe, how do the preachers like their watermelon?”

“I don’t know, boss, but they’re stuffing the seeds into their pockets.”