From Pine View Farm

Disaster in Cali (satire) 0

Found on Usenet. I googled and found numerous entries of this on blugs, some with different “authors,” but I couldn’t find an original. If anyone knows where it originally appeared, I’d appreciate the citation. I found this copy on, but the person who posted it stated he didn’t know where it started, either.

Hollywood Power Outage Sends City Into Chaos — No electricity for 26

‘This is our Tsunami.’

By Felicia Ferndock: Actress, Photographer, Victim.

LOS ANGELES, CA, September 12, 2005 – Horror and disbelief swept
through the greater Hollywood area this afternoon as a power-outage
turned the city into a virtual war zone, and local residents struggled
to deal with the devastating aftermath.

The outage struck at 1:35 PM, during L.A.’s busy afternoon coffee and
Pilates rush hour. Traffic lights fell dark, local gyms and sushi
restaurants were without power for nearly 30 minutes and many
businesses were illuminated only by the light of the sun and its
blistering 78-degree heat.

“It was horrible,” said out of work actor and voice-over artist Rick
Shea. “I was in a Jamba Juice on Melrose when it hit. The blenders
simply shut down. A woman lunged for my Berry Lime Sublime and after
that, well, it got pretty ugly.”

In the ensuing panic, local radio stations broadcast conflicting
reports as to exactly which local businesses would be offering relief
supplies. Almost 100 people flocked to the Starbucks at Santa Monica
and La Brea only to find helpless baristas, no hot coffee and a totally
meager selection of baked goods.

“My mother is 83-years old and we heard on the radio that this
Starbucks was going to be up and running. If she doesn’t get a venti
Arabian Mocha Sanani soon I don’t know what’s going to happen to her, I
really don’t.” said cologenist Lucinda Merino of Los Feliz.

To make matters worse, those few people who did manage to get coffee
were further thwarted by a total lack of artificial sweeteners on site.
“Sugar in the Raw? Are you friggin’ kidding me?” sobbed local
homosexual and avid salsa dancer, Enrique Santoro. “I’m on the South
Beach Diet. My insulin levels are going to go crazy if I use this! Why
isn’t the rest of the country doing something?”

Deteriorating conditions may force authorities to evacuate the
thousands of people at local Quiznos, movie theaters and upscale
shopping centers, including The Beverly Center, where a policeman
told CNN unrest was escalating. The officer expressed concern the
situation could worsen overnight after patrons defaced ultiple “So
You Think you Can Dance” posters, looted a Baby Gap and demanded free
makeovers en masse at a MAC cosmetics store during the afternoon.

At least 2,000 refugees, the majority of them beautiful, will travel in
a bus convoy to Beverly Hills starting this evening and will be
sheltered at the 8-year-old Spago on North Canon where soft omelettes
with confit bacon and Hudson Valley foie gras was being airlifted in by
The National Guard. Thank heavens.

Honorary Mayor of Hollywood, Johnny Grant, told a group of embedded
reporters at a Koo Koo Roo Chicken restaurant on Larchmont, “The scope
and scale of this disaster is almost too much to comprehend. Local car
washes are at a standstill, the tram tour at Universal Studios has been
on hold for almost an hour now and I’ve been waiting for a rotisserie
leg and thigh with a side of green beans for upwards of 15 minutes.
This truly is our Tsunami.”

“We want to accommodate those people suffering in The Beverly Center as
quickly as possible for the simple reason that they have been through a
horrible ordeal,” Grant said.

“We need water. We need edamame. We need low-carb bread,” said Martha
Owens, 49, who was one of the thousands trapped in The Beverly Center
when the escalators stopped moving. “They need to start sending
somebody through here.”

Along miles of coastline, the power simply surged, causing writers to
lose upwards of a page of original screenplay material, causing
DirecTV service to work only intermittently and forcing local
residents to walk outside and look helplessly at the breathtaking
Pacific from their ocean view decks.

“I can hardly begin to put this experience into words,” said seasoned
Two and a Half Men writer John Edlestein . “I was just getting into my
rhythm and making some real headway on a scene where Charlie Sheen
parties with a busload of female volleyball players when my Power Book
crapped out. I have nothing. Simply, nothing.”

Delivering a belated radio address live from the White House,
President Bush announced he was deploying more than 7,000 additional
active-duty troops to the region. He comforted victims and praised
relief workers.

“Despite their best efforts, the magnitude in responding to a crisis
over a disaster area this sunny and trendy has created tremendous
problems,” he said. “The result is that many of our citizens simply are
not getting the help they need, especially in the Hollywood Hills, and
that is unacceptable.”

“Southern Californians are resilient. I have no doubt they will
bounce back like this never happened,” professed Cellulite Reduction
Specialist, Kim Bellevue. “The therapy sessions could reach an all time
high, though.”


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