Second Thoughts about Self-Esteem 0
Yesterday I delivered myself of this gem: “Somewhere, things have gotten turned on their heads. Self-esteem does not lead to good behavior. Good behavior leads to self-esteem.”
I’ve decided I was wrong. Rather, self-esteem and good behavior are independent of each other.
No doubt John Dillinger, Ken Lay, and George Bush all have or had excellent self-esteem. In contrast, Abraham Lincoln, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and Dorothy Parker were tortured individuals full of self-doubt.
Who would you rather spend an evening with?
Rather, what I was clumsily attempting to express was the fallacy that trying to improve someone’s self-esteem will cause that person to improve his or her performance, at the job, at school, or at home.
Indeed there is a thriving industry sucking money out of those who think that, if they somehow improve their opinion of themselves, their behavior will magically change.
Look here. And here. And here.
The silliest aspects of this movement manifest themselves as regards our children. The Great Purple Ink movement illustrates how stupid those who think self-esteem is all can become.
Rather, legitimate accomplishment builds legitimate self-esteem. An individual can increase his or own self-esteem by setting reasonable goals and reaching them. (One wonders by this measure how George Bush can have any self-esteem left.)
An individual (such as a parent, teacher, or boss) can help someone else build self-esteem by helping them set clear, reasonable goals and providing them feedback and resources as they work to accomplish those goals.
Illegitimate self-esteem, that is self-esteem that exists in someone’s mind, but is not reflected in their behavior, can lead to great damage, not so much to the person holding that self-image, but to those persons and endeavors that surround them. (Oh, okay.)
At its extreme, illegitimate self-esteem manifests itself as sociopathy.
I think the self-esteem fallacy may be a pendulum swing in response to the “insult them and they’ll prove you wrong” school of motivation, immortalized in the popular concept of drill instructors. This method may work in a few people–I’ve known a couple like that–but, for the great majority, that technique destroys motivation and incentive. It is, indeed, not a motivational technique–it is sadism in a smiling mask.
