C’est Rire category archive

Typing closed captions for a live television show must be quite challenging. Mistakes can be forgiven.

But sometimes they make one laugh. Watching the Phillies and the Cubs on WGN.

Announcer, discussing the Cubs pitching woes:

. . . and they haven’t even gotten to the All-Star break.

Caption:

. . . and they haven’t even gotten to the All-Star briquet.

Read more »

No more:

New York City cops are on the hunt for a man who used an ax to chop down a Brooklyn tree early Wednesday morning.

The bizarre 2 AM incident was captured by a surveillance camera attached to a neighboring building in the borough’s Kensington neighborhood. Video of the tree assault (seen above) was uploaded to YouTube on Wednesday.

The video shows the attacker taking a total of 53 whacks at the tree over approximately five minutes. On several occasions, neighborhood men can be seen seen trying to stop the ax wielder from downing the tree. It does not appear that the primary motive of the attacker was to steal the bicycle chained to the tree (though, 20 minutes after first striking the tree, the portly perp returned to the block and carried the bike away).

New Yorkers tend to be protective of their trees. They have so few of them.

At Comically Vintage.

Dog gone:

The Augusta County Sheriff’s Office is on the lookout for one of its own after a drug-detection dog went on the lam in search of a deer.

Without missing a beat . . .

A woman wearing a big, floppy black hat robbed a bank shortly before 1:30 p.m. Friday while on her cellphone.

Also, a couple of weeks ago on the other side of the country:

Salem Police stopped an Amtrak train on Sunday afternoon after reports a woman threatened other passengers when they complained she was speaking too loudly on her cell phone.

She traveled by mouth from Oakland, California, to Salem, Oregon, where she was taken into custody for disorderly conduct.

I was on a train once from New York to Philly. A woman boarded the “quiet car,” which was instituted primarily because of cell phones, and talked loudly for miles. The Conductor had to explain (I knew the Conductor–he handled himself in exemplary fashion) that he could and would call the cops to the next station before he could get her to move to another car.

Amtrak story via GNC.

I get snail mail.

Heh.

Indeed.

I already am paperless with these people.

I wonder how many of these they sent out to other of their paperless customers.

BBC:

Welsh Water has moved to assure customers across Wales that their water supplies will not be cut off, following rumours circulating on Twitter.

A system upgrade is taking place from 2000 BST on Wednesday affecting 150,000 customers in and around Merthyr, which will finish by 1200 BST on Thursday.

(snip)

But they (customers–ed.)are being advised to fill containers with tap water in case.

Pupils at a school in Oxfordshire say they have been targeted by red kites swooping down to take their food.

One student at Icknield Community College in Watlington is said to have been scratched by one of the birds as he ate lunch in the market town.

A farm worker said the increasingly bold kites were “sweeping up” chickens. Witnesses have also described seeing the birds perching on prams.

It sounds as if they have been taking lessons from the sea gulls at Wildwood.

. . . is clearly out of control.

El Reg:

A Norfolk (UK–ed.) man is potentially facing “six points on his licence and thousands of pounds in fines” after cops nabbed him allegedly driving with his knees while manipulating two mobile phones.

(snip)

A Norfolk Police spokesman said: “Driving while using a mobile phone means you are not concentrating fully on the road. Using one mobile phone is silly but two mobile phones is amazingly silly.” ®

In the early days of cell phones, I was crossing 29th Street to get to 30th Street Station, Philadelphia, for my homeward commute when some bozo turned from Market to 29th to get on the Schuykill Depressway. He was eating a hamburger with one hand and holding a cellphone with another.

I hate to think what he was driving with.

When I was a young ‘un, we had a party line; private phone lines were very expensive.

One of the families on the party line had two teenaged daughters. Even back then, you couldn’t get them off the phone.

Authorities in Washington state say they’re arrested a teenage girl for allegedly shooting her dad with an arrow after he took her cell phone away.

From one cell to the next:

Three men and a teen who allegedly robbed a group of people at gunpoint during a party in Newark on Saturday were arrested a short time later after officers tracked the location of a phone that had been stolen during the holdup, police said.

Hacked:

An electronic sign board in Greenville (Delaware–ed.) alerting motorists to an upcoming road project sparked attention this morning for flashing the message “LIVE NUDES AHEAD.”

Picture at the link.

Lisa Scottoline has had enough. Follow the link for the whole story:

They say that if you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas, but they’re wrong. If you lie down with dogs, you wake up with ticks.

The other day, I fell asleep with Little Tony and Peach, and I woke up with a tick on my chin, like a mole. It works for Cindy Crawford, but not for me. I’ll never get a date if I wear bugs.

I ran yelping to the bathroom, where I took off my nightgown and found another tick on my back.

Don’t ask me how it got under my nightgown.

Obviously, ticks find me superhot.

The Eye of Sauron turns to Hungary:

Hungary’s disaster management agency is testing the country’s emergency broadcast system with warnings of severe storms in Middle-earth, the fictional setting of J. R. R. Tolkien’s “The Lord of the Rings.”

Actually, this is rather clever.