C’est Rire category archive

I have only three more days to get to the big show.

Federal Court smacks down Orly Taitz, dentist and lawyer extraordinaire. Glomarization has the details.

Don’t mess with the kid.

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Definitely deficient market analysis:

Two thugs who attacked what they thought were a pair of transvestites picked on the wrong men – when their intended victims turned out to be cage fighters on a night out in fancy dress.

Via Wait! Wait!

This is about two years old, but it still rings true (warning: risque language)

It was a rerun of America’s Funniest Videos that I hadn’t seen before.

She’s never shown any interest in television before. She got so entranced in the show that she kept moving closer to the set, until she fell off the night table, taking a stack of papers and magazines (remember magazines?) with her.

Nothing is really sillier than a cat pretending that it just didn’t fall on its patoot.

Bennett Cerf told the story of the wealthy alumnus getting a tour for his alma mater from the college president, who’s drooling over a prospective donation.

The prez takes him to his old dorm room. They knock on the door and the current resident opens it. The alumnus says, “Same old room.”

He looks around. “Same old desk. It was a wreck when I lived here.”

He opened the closet to reveal a girl cowering in the corner. “Same old girl.”

“It’s, it’s my sister, sir,” stammered the resident.

“Ahhh,” said the alumnus. “Same old lie.”

Back when I went to school, you had to sneak ’em in:

After receiving about a dozen complaints in the last several years from a student body of 5,000, the upscale private (Tufts–ed.) university this fall took what is at the very least an unusual step in the world of college housing: It banned in writing sex with a roommate present.

I went to the Wawa last night to get eggs for today’s breakfast and, as I exited my vehicle, got to watch someone back out of a parking place and into a light pole.

Five years ago, I replaced a water heater.

Yesterday, I got a certificate of land use from New Castle County, Delaware, informing me that that was an okay thing to do.

Who are these people and does anyone care?

John Canter in the Guardian has had enough already:

The huggee approaches, you bump chests (or bosoms) and suddenly you can’t see them any more. Your arms are around them and you’re staring over their shoulder. You’re more like a secret serviceman, checking they’re not being targeted from behind. And what exactly are they doing to you while you’re doing it to them? You’ve no idea. They could be removing the wallet from the back pocket of your jeans. They could be raising their eyebrows and mouthing the word “wanker”.

Over at Delaware Liberal.

In a follow-up to the article I mentioned here, Mike Armstrong writes:

Two days after I ranted about the use of the word “solutions,” I received a PR pitch about Campbell’s Chunky soups that described the Camden food producer’s consumer research into what men are “currently seeking in food solutions.”

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’cause we miss you:

John Losey, an entomologist at Cornell University, launched the Lost Ladybug Project last year to try to figure out why once-common native ladybug species had all but disappeared across the country. The project, funded by the National Science Foundation, recruits citizen scientists — especially children — to search for ladybugs and send photos of them to Losey.

Oliver Burkeman, writing at the Guardian, has obtained super-secret completely made-up presidential emails.

One of them:

To: Malia Obama
Subject: Re: Day off next Tuesday?

No you can NOT take the day off school in order to avoid being turned into a communist by “the most dangerously liberal president in America’s history”. . . Also, communists and liberals are totally different. Ask your sister.

From the Henny Youngman news wire:

Members of the ship’s crew saw the man suddenly run out of his cabin with his hands covering his ears, and shouting: “I can’t stand it any longer.”

They initially thought he was suffering from an ear injury and went to help him but found he was unhurt.

“While we were still puzzling over the this, his wife ran up and continued nagging him,” said a crewmate.

“The husband covered his ears again and said: ‘I need a break’ before jumping over the side into the rushing river.

Via Wait! Wait!

Well, maybe not so much:

There’s no room for Jell-O downtown (Norfolk, Va.), at least not for female Jell-O wrestling.

(snip)

(Club owner) Reid said the show was canceled Monday, a day before city officials called. The event was to be produced by an outside promoter and was booked six weeks ago, he said, long before the city stripped licenses to serve alcohol from Have a Nice Day Cafe and Bar Norfolk.

Burning question: Cherry or strawberry?

. . . a pit bull deflated all four tires of a deputy’s cruiser near Hope Mills (N. C.–ed.) on Sunday. Sheriff’s spokeswoman Debbie Tanna says the deputy parked his car in a woman’s driveway while responding to her complaint about another dog.

The deputy was uneaten.

After Glen Miller, my father’s favorite band. Benny Goodman was too hot for him.

Mike Armstrong pleas for clarity:

Perhaps it’s the mindless repetition of them that’s so irritating. But let’s not discount the idiocy of some jargon. After all, any company that’s not customer centric can’t be in business for very long.

These phrases are so loathed that Accountemps put them into its buzzword hall of fame along with the one that irks me the most: “solution.”

I’ve found that using buzz words and puffery–words that make something sound more significant that it is–usually indicates one (or maybe both) of two things:

• Mental laziness. It takes energy to think outside the box. Too often, it’s just old wine in new bottles.
• Something to hide. Someone’s trying to put the best face on the elephant in the room or make a silk purse from a sow’s ear.

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