C’est Rire category archive
Corner Cabinet 0
A few years ago, I built a corner cabinet for the kitchen.
I should have waited and bought this one.
Let’s Just Go Live in a Plastic Bubble with No Stimuli Whatsoever 0
Being alive is hazardous to your health.
While history suggests European soccer fans can get a bit more worked up than the average American football fan, doctors think there are some valid warnings to be shared.
“I know a little bit about the Super Bowl,” study author Dr. Gerhard Steinbeck of Ludwig Maximilians University in Munich said in a telephone interview. “It’s reasonable to think that something quite similar might happen.”
On second thought, forget the bubble thing. It’s been tried.
Fly the Friendly Skies 1
And I thought Southwest was the way to go:
From El Reg:
The service will run from 5 July from Erfurt in southeast Germany to the Baltic Sea island of Usedom, with 50 unclothed passengers stumping €499 a pop to fly as nature intended.
There Are Gun Nuts . . . 1
. . . Then There Are Gun Nuts.
According to the Dallas Morning News Andreous Robinson, 20, had been partying with chums in West Dallas when he decided to pop outside at around 1am and fire off a few rounds skywards.
Homicide officer Sgt. Bruce McDonald explained that Robinson “then came back inside and thought that he’d discharged all of the rounds, so he put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger”.
Robinson’s counting skills proved inadequate, and he was later pronounced dead at Parkland Memorial Hospital.
Model Citizens 0
From El Reg:
The protestors are demanding “professional recognition†and full-time contracts in an industry where just 50 of 300 nude models have “fixed annual contracts”, while the rest are paid by the hour.
Antonella Migliorini, 42, described posing naked as a “tough, cold jobâ€. She said: “We are not porn stars. If you’re lucky enough to have a full-time job you might make €25 an hour.”
Migliorini further bemoaned that art schools “do not show us much consideration – our privacy is violated”. She explained: “Once a group of about 30 Japanese tourists turned up and started taking photographs. I had to cover myself up quickly.â€
Put This in Your Pipe and Smoke It 0
From El Reg:
Sandra Bergen, 23, of Biggar, Saskatchewan, alleged that “her nursery-school classmate Clinton Davey got her addicted to crystal methamphetamine by offering her a free dose when she was only 13 years old”. She subsequently kicked the habit and had been drug-free for eight months until she met Davey at a friend’s house in 2004, shortly before her 20th birthday.
(snip)
In her lawsuit, in which Bergen also named the unknown supplier “John Doe” who’d supplied the crystal meth to Davey, she said the latter was aware the the drug was highly addictive and its sale was “for the purpose of making money but was also for the purpose of intentionally inflicting physical and mental suffering on Sandra”.
Davey filed a defence statement denying the allegations and stating that Bergen “did assume the risk to her person when she voluntarily ingested the illegal drugs”.
However, Davey refused to name “John Doe” in pre-trial discovery, “putting him at risk of a contempt-of-court charge”, and the judge duly entered a default judgment against him.
Reminds Me of My Chevette 0
Which I purchased with 41,000 miles on it and was just 2,000 miles shy of putting 100,000 of my own miles on it when it died.
I got my money’s worth out of my $2,100.
Then, again, I also learned that cookie sheets make great floorboards.
Probably even better than particle board:
Seen at the local Super Fresh
New Car Fever 0
He must have been watching those annoying Toyotathon commercials about trying to find a reason to buy a new Toy Auto:
Richard Way Jr., 28, pushed the car down an embankment along Wopsy Mountain in Blair County last year, then reported it had been stolen from the parking lot of a hot dog restaurant, the Pennsylvania attorney general’s office said.
Cell, Modem, Cell, Modem 0
Moral: RTFM.
Simpson thought he had an all-you can eat deal for unlimited web use and “probably” downloaded 20-30 TV shows and four albums. But his £41.50 per month contract maxed out at 120 megabytes of downloads per month, enough for most users, Vodafone says. “Few customers exceed the fair usage. But it seems clear Ian has run up these charges legitimately,” a spokesman told The Mirror.
I Just Can’t Resist . . . 0
District Judge Terrence Gallagher dismissed the charge against Dawn Herb, 33, of Scranton, ruling that she was within her First Amendment rights when she let loose a string of profanities on Oct. 11.
Although the language she used “may be considered by some to be offensive, vulgar and imprudent … such representations are protected speech pursuant to the First Amendment,” the judge wrote Thursday.
No sh*t.
He Wanted Revenge. He Got the FBI. 2
Busted.
Ryan Goldstein, a 20-year-old bioengineering major, conspired with a New Zealand hacker known as AKILL to use Penn’s computer system as a staging ground for a 50,000-computer attack against several online chat networks, authorities said.
The FBI and Secret Service are expected to announce indictments today against Goldstein, a Florida man, and three others. Police recently executed related raids in New Zealand, Florida, California and Pennsylvania. The latest came Tuesday near Philadelphia. An FBI agent from the region is in New Zealand this week, and more arrests are possible.
“We’ve been executing search warrants all over the world in this case,” said Assistant U.S. Attorney Michael Levy.
Nothing happens on the net that cannot be traced, if persons are willing to take the time and the trouble to trace it.
Celled 3
How can anyone not sympathize with the judge, even if he did sort of go off his nut?
Judge Robert Restaino, 48, was hearing a domestic violence case in Niagara Falls on 11 March 2005 when he heard the offending phone and “snapped”, as the BBC puts it.
According to the commission’s report, he told the courtroom: “Every single person is going to jail in this courtroom unless I get that instrument now. If anybody believes I’m kidding, ask some of the folks that have been here for a while. You are all going.”
After security officers unsuccessfully tried to find the device, Restaino ordered a short recess. When he returned to the bench, he asked the phone’s owner to ‘fess up. Receiving no reply, he “ordered that the entire courtroom audience of 46 people be taken into custody and set bail at $1,500”.
Slip-Slidin’ Away (Updated) 4
Virginia State Police said the tanker truck hauling a waste product of poultry grease to Maryland from a Perdue Farms plant had a valve open, and the liquid fat leaked onto U.S. 13 from the plant to the Maryland line.
Sgt. Joe Bunting said there were at least four crashes and several spinouts reported between 5 and 6 a.m. on northbound U.S. 13, the primary road through the Eastern Shore. One person injured in one of the crashes was taken to a local hospital, he said.
(snip)
The liquefied fat was sticking to the tires of cars that were spreading it onto secondary roads in the region, Bunting said. He added that drivers who got the grease on their vehicle tires would smell a “really funky” odor.
Addendum, 11/29/2007:
The indigestion will last for a while:
Wildlife biologists said the distinctive stench — likely to remain after the liquefied fat is removed — will attract scavengers including opossums, skunks and raccoons to the affected areas of U.S. 13.
Automotive professionals say the combination of spilled grease and the sand placed by road crews isn’t good for vehicle finishes or undercarriages.
(snip)
Virginia Department of Transportation workers placed 380 tons of sand on the highway in the wake of the spill Tuesday, which was reported before 6 a.m. and caused four serious crashes and “numerous” vehicle spinouts, Virginia State Police reported.
I-95, Main Street of the East Coast 0
“Don’t look twice, it’s all right.”
(snip)
Troopers took Gilbert (Ardonas Gilbert, 26, of Chester, Pa–ed.) into custody at the scene and took him to Troop 1, where it was determined that he was under the influence of drugs or alcohol, Whitmarsh said.
He said Gilbert’s actions resulted in three separate traffic crashes as motorists swerved to avoid running into him.
Oh, My 0
This sounds like Bushie security.
Except for the lack of waterboarding.
He was reading The Unknown Terrorist, a fictional thriller that tells the story of a ballet dancer who has a dodgy one-night stand with someone who is suspected of plotting to explode a bomb. The dancer then falls under suspicion because of the association, and is subject to a “paranoid witch-hunt.”
I Picked the Wrong Mother 0
Oh, my.
According to the Telegraph, the clothes-shedding strumpet was dispatched to Nottingham’s Arnold Hill School and Technology College at the behest of the boy’s mum, who also asked his teacher to film the event.
The stripper entered the classroom halfway through the lesson, and then, as a fellow pupil recounted to the Daily Mail: “She asked the lad to stand up, which he did, and told him he had been a very naughty boy because he hadn’t been doing his homework. Then she put on some Britney Spears music and got out a collar and lead from her bag and told him to put them on.
Lugg . . . 0
. . . was the manservant of Albert Campion in the Margery Allingham mysteries.
In contrast, this is a lugnut:
The unnamed 66-year-old, from Southworth in Washington state, had been repairing the vehicle for two weeks and apparently lost his rag with the last bolt on the right rear wheel which refused to budge.
He let the wheel have it “from arm’s length”, and was “peppered with ricocheting buckshot and debris” for his trouble. He then enjoyed a visit to Tacoma General Hospital with “severe but not life threatening injuries”. His feet, legs, and abdomen were worst affected, but the damage extended up to his chin.