C’est Rire category archive

My father used to refer to all bird dogs as “useless bird dogs.”

Not only are they useless, they are apparently vindictive.

A hunter is recovering after he was shot in the leg at close range by his dog, who stepped on his shotgun and tripped the trigger, an official said Tuesday.

Or click here.

Via Phillybits.

My SOSO is reading the “This Old House” website.

This cannot be good.

That’s a show and a site I have always successfully avoided until today. I’ve done enough Harry Homeowner stuff to know that it never goes the way the “experts” say it will.

Once you start ripping stuff apart, you always find surprises. Only once have I met a 15-minute plumbing job that actually took 15 minutes (and that was because I was following behind my own work, as opposed to the Previous Owner’s).

All the other 15-minute plumbing jobs in this house have taken at least three hours and four trips to the hardware store.

Personally, I think the whole thing is a crock(pot).

Microsoft and Best Buy, made for each other:

The Supreme Court Monday rejected an appeal by Microsoft Corp. and a unit of Best Buy Co. Inc. to dismiss a lawsuit alleging violation of racketeering laws through fraudulently signing up customers for Microsoft’s online service.

The companies asked the justices to overturn a May ruling by the San Francisco-based 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals, which said the civil suit could proceed. The Supreme Court is letting that ruling stand, which means the class-action lawsuit involving thousands of consumers with complaints against the companies will be litigated in federal district court.

Originally filed by one consumer in northern California, the lawsuit claims the companies’ joint venture violated the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act, or RICO, which is usually used in organized crime cases. Successful RICO claims provide for triple damage awards in civil cases.

In a friend-of-the-court filing on behalf of the companies, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce said the filing of civil cases invoking RICO is out of control and urged the Supreme Court to hear the case as a way to determine whether the use RICO should be reined in.

Under the joint venture, Microsoft invested $200 million in Best Buy in April 2000, and agreed to promote the company’s online store through its Internet access service, MSN. In turn, Best Buy agreed to promote MSN in its stores.

The dispute began in 2003, when James Odom sued the companies after purchasing a laptop computer at a Best Buy store. Odom alleged that Best Buy included a software CD with his purchase that provided a six-month free trial to MSN.

Best Buy allegedly signed Odom up an MSN account with the credit card Odom used to pay for the computer. After a six-month free trial ended, Microsoft began charging him for the account, the suit charged.

Some years ago, I went to Best Buy to buy a washing machine.

In a few minutes, I’d picked out the machine I wanted.

Forty-five minutes later, I left the store, having not been waited on.

The next night, I came back. I told the Appliance Person, “I have 30 minutes. Then I’m gone.”

At 29 1/2 minutes, he deigned to devote to me the two minutes it took to place the order.

Three days later, the washing machine arrived.

I picked it up and took it home. And then discovered a dent.

I took it back. Customer Service was great. They sent someone out to help me bring it in from the van and processed the return. Then the returns guy asked, “Would you like a check or would you like to re-order.”

I said, “I’d like to reorder.”

He said, “Then you’ll have to talk to him,” pointing to the Appliance Guy.

I asked, “You mean you can’t process the order from here?”

“No,” he said.

“Give me a check,” said I.

Then I remembered that just 1/2 mile up the road was a Lowes. I drove up there and, 20 minutes later, drove away with the identical model of washer in the back of the van.

For $20 less.

Since then, I’ve never gone into a Best Buy when a CompUSA was available and never bought anything at Best Buy that I can’t carry out of the store in my hands.

And I always buy my computers directly from Dell or from Second Source.

The demand note handed to a convenience store clerk at the Exxon station read: “Give me your money I’ll shoot you.”

The problem was, the demand was written on the suspect’s pay stub. That clue, along with fingerprints retrieved from demand notes from two convenience store robberies on Sept. 30, led to the arrest Tuesday of Robinson Rivera for all three crimes, police said.

HT to Linda.

After all these years, you’d think engineers would be able to design a coffee carafe that wouldn’t leak when you were pouring from it.

But, nooooooooooooo.

From El Reg:

Police sealed off three streets in central London on Monday as they investigated a suspected chemical terror attack that turned out to be a Thai chef brewing up a particularly pungent burnt chilli sauce.

The three hour lockdown in Soho saw a Hazardous Area Response Team Unit and firefighters wearing breathing apparatus engaging in a 24 style hunt for the source of a cloud of acrid smoke, The Times reports.

However, instead of trapping a bunch of wild-eyed ne’er-do-wells who hate us because we’re free, cops instead surrounded a huge cooking pot primed with 9lbs of smouldering dried chillies at the Thai Cottage Restaurant.

Sounds like my kind of place. Pass the habaneros.

Phillybits has a screed on this decision by the Supreme Court declining to hear a case about the prohibition on selling sex toys in Alabama.

(It is, of course, a stupid, silly law, but, if the Alabama government does not want Alabamians to have more than the Reverend(struck per Opie) Dobson-decreed amount of fun while creating more Alabamians, I guess, judging by this ruling, that is their right.)

Back when I worked in Philadelphia, I used to enjoy visiting the Pleasure Chest on Rittenhouse Square (I don’t think it is there anymore–their website mentions boutiques only in New York, Los Angeles, and Chicago).

It was particularly fun to visit in December, when persons (most usually of the female persuasion) were coming in on their lunch hours to buy gag gifts. As they walked in the store, it was apparent that they had never seen any place like it before.

Their expressions were precious.

Then, as the shock and surprise wore off, they would get really, really, really interested in the merchandise . . . .

Oh, and Joni’s Butterfly? Here (Warning–Adult Content).

’nuff said.

Upset over how much time his son was getting in a Pop Warner football game, police say a man punched the boy’s coach, knocking him unconscious for about 30 minutes.

Oh, my.

A man who bought a smoker Tuesday at an auction of abandoned items might have thought twice had he looked inside first.

Maiden police said the man opened up the smoker and saw what he thought was a piece of driftwood wrapped in paper. When he unwrapped it, he found a human leg, cut off 2 to 3 inches above the knee.

The smoker had been sold at an auction of items left behind at a storage facility, so investigators contacted the mother and son who had rented the space where the smoker was found.

The mother, Peg Steele, explained her son had his leg amputated after a plane crash and kept the leg following the surgery “for religious reasons” she doesn’t know much about.

I’m no lawyer (that’s how I can dare to make posts about morality), but it sounds to me as if he bought the leg fair and square.

Now he does have a leg to stand on.

But I think I’ll be making my own barbecue for a while.

Free to a good home. Will deliver (Linda says she doesn’t care if we have to go to Colorado–Karen?).

The Gutter Guys were here today.

They installed nice, new gutters.

They also left the gate open.

Two of the three dogs escaped. The third one is too much of a diva to move fast enough to escape, though she seemed vaguely irritated that she was left alone.

A good Samaritan called from about a mile way. The sons of bitches (and they are sons of bitches, what with being dogs and all) were gallivanting down Governor Printz Boulevard (50 mph speed limit, 60 mph traffic).

Three heart attacks later, my girlfriend coralled them.

Tomorrow, I shall call up the Gutter Guys.

I think I shall suggest to them, that, in penance, they should TAKE THE DAMNED DOGS.

The world is going to–oh, never mind.

The public is cordially invited to attend a festive wedding celebration to be held this weekend at the spot where the bride and groom first met.

The bride-to-be Nana Taylor and fiance Switzer Naylor met at the public bark park at Carousel Park on Limestone Road in Pike Creek, where their wedding ceremony is to start at 4 p.m. Sunday.

It’s a suitable spot — considering they’re dogs.

Steve from ASZ strikes again.

Having once driven a getaway car for a streaker, I urge you to check this out.

(Steve’s been on a roll!)

The smart ones, of course, become CEOs.

Two Pennsylvania men, accused of breaking into several cars at a mobile home park near Rehoboth Beach, were arrested after one of the men left a cell phone behind in a car he had broken into, state police said today.

Maybe there’s a clue in this story:

Months after graduating seniors at William Tennent High School in Warminster collected their diplomas, officials acknowledged errors in the class rankings and mailed formal apologies.

Recalculations showed that the rankings of the top two students should have been switched, and that two other students were erroneously excluded from the list of the top 25, who are given special recognition.

Tomorrow, I am going to get new tires for my truck.

I got only 62,000 miles out of the stock tires.

I called the local UniRoyal dealer and ordered the same model tires for replacements. I had to order them because, since they are OEM tires, they aren’t part of the normal stock.

(All joking aside, I’m willing to do a testimonial for these tires–they’re the best tires I’ve ever had. At 5,000 miles, my son hit a curb, broke the seal, and drove two miles home on a dead flat tire. That tire lasted 50,000 miles before I had to get it replaced. My pastor, who used to be Training Manager for PEP Boys, said, when I told him this story, that “UniRoyal makes a good tire.”)

Now, here’s the nice part.

I can take the work computer up to the tire dealer, fire it up, and rack up billable hours get some work done while I’m waiting.

Beats hell out of reading six month old Time magazines and Tire Manufacurers’ Weekly.

Oh, yeah. I’ve got enough room where the spare tire sits for a real tire, so NTB is going to take the best left over tire and put in on a rim, so I can get rid of the stupid donut.

Now that I have Firestats working, I can browse the incoming hits and see what brought them here.

This post gets a lot of hits.

Somehow, I don’t think they are coming here to read the newspaper column that I linked to, oh, so long ago. Anyway, the link has expired.

Back when I was an AOLer, I was active in the AOL newsgroups (AOL did, indeed, at that time, have internal newsgroups that were accessible only within AOL). From time to time, we would get drive-by posters who wanted to know, “Where’s the pr0n?” I always had one answer for the pr0n seekers. “If you can’t find it on your own, you ain’t ready for it.”

Honestly, anyone who can’t find pr0n on the innertubes is not ready to use a computer!

Furffu!

(Many of the regulars from the old AOL newsgroups can be found at alt.aol.tricks. They are actually a pretty nice group of people. I’ve been so busy lately that I haven’t kept up with them, and that’s my loss, not theirs. Of course, like any newsgroup, it gets its share of random spam. That’s what filters are for.)

Oh, my.

According to Delaware River and Bay Authority police Cpl. Joseph DiStefano, at about 10 p.m. Wednesday, Branden M. Tingey walked into the men’s room of the Polidoro Italian Grill near New Castle and hid in the ceiling until the restaurant closed.

When he decided the place was empty, Tingey went into the manager’s office where he tried to break into the safe.

The problem was, DiStefano said, Tingey apparently didn’t know how, and turned to the restaurant’s computer to search for instructions. The search was interrupted when the restaurant’s two managers, who had been in another part of the restaurant doing paperwork, walked in, police said.

Well, it’s the dumb ones who get caught.

From my inbox:

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it “Current Federal Administration” and save it.

3. Send it to the recycle bin.

4. Empty the recycle bin.

5. Your PC will ask you, “Do you really want to delete Current Federal Administration?”

6. Firmly Click “Yes.”

7. Feel better now?

But there is a lot that can rise up and bite someone later:

At exactly 5:45:34 p.m. on April 18, 2004, someone using the home computer of William and Melanie McGuire used an Internet search engine on the words: How To Commit Murder.

That same day information was sought on Google and MSN search engines on such topics as “instant poisons,” “undetectable poisons,” “chloral hydrate,” and gun laws in New Jersey and Pennsylvania.

Ten days later, according to allegations by the state of New Jersey, Melanie McGuire murdered her husband at their Woodbridge apartment — using a gun purchased in Pennsylvania.

And you can bet that somewhere, there’re servers whose access logs show her IP address and those search terms.