C’est Rire category archive

She was trying to go forward. Instead . . . .

Police say the 17-year-old driver was trying to put the Ford Explorer into gear around 1 a.m. Sunday when it began to roll backward. The girl tried to stop the SUV to no avail and jumped out before it picked up too much speed.

The vehicle rolled down a hill, through a fence and crashed into the pool at Cameron Estates in Washington.

I guess the brakes turned into pumpkins after midnight.

Follow the link for visuals.

Addendum:

It was a day for collecting automotive sea stories.

1. Approach the pile of watermelons warily. Remember that a herd of watermelons, like a herd of wildebeests, can be hostile and unpredictable.

2. Clench thumb and forefinger of one hand (either left or fight). Assume serious look that conveys the impression that You Know What You Are Doing.

3. Incline ear towards a melon and tap it with the first joint of the clenched forefinger. Maintain serious look.

4. Repeat for additional random watermelons.

5. Assume look of triumph. Randomly grab a watermelon you reckon you can leverage into a secure grasp and head for checkout. Hope that you got lucky.

6. Remember to purchase bottle of vodka on the way home. If you didn’t get lucky, you can always infuse spike the darned thing.

Which reminds me of the story of the hotel which was hosting two conventions: one of preachers and one of banksters. It being August, both groups had specified watermelons for desert. The banksters, though, had wanted theirs spiked.

Halfway through desert service, the maitre d’ realized, to his horror, that the desert orders had been mixed up. He grabbed a waiter:

“Joe, how do the preachers like their watermelon?”

“I don’t know, boss, but they’re stuffing the seeds into their pockets.”

Here.

Via Armchair Generalist.

Watch the video.

One must admit, one doesn’t see this every day.

Coming soon on Speeders:

In Boulder, Colorado, riding a lawn mower on a street or bike path is illegal. When citizens called to complain about a speeding lawn mower running wild on the streets, police were obligated to respond:

Police caught up with the mower – a black Yard Machines unit with a 21 horsepower engine – at the intersection of Harvard Lane and Auburn Street.

Reichenbach said the driver told officers that he was trying to donate the lawn equipment to Fairview High School and was riding it to the school to drop off.

. . . officers chose not to ticket the man because he wasn’t causing a problem.

“He was trying to be a good guy,” Reichenbach said. “We think his heart was certainly in the right place.”

They told him to park it and arrange for a truck.

From the BBC. Picture at the link:

Workers have misspelled the word school on a road approaching a high school in North Carolina in the United States.

Crews painted “shcool” on the approach road to Southern Guilford High School.

Police are not pampering this driver. Indeed, some would say her conduct was beyond the pail:

(Pa) State police say a woman wiped a dirty diaper on the window of another woman’s vehicle during a dispute in a traffic jam as both were leaving the Fayette County Fair.

Facebook seems to reaching some kind of critical mass.

Lawmen have busted a place called The Beer Outlet on West Chester Pike and it all started with police seeing pictures on Facebook of kids drinking beer at a party.

(snip)

Police got a tip call about Facebook pages showing photos and names of teens drinking beer at a party in the karaoke rooms on the second level of Lee’s shopping center.

Meanwhile, this report leaves it unclear who is living with whom for how long:

Speaking in Tampa, Florida, 62-year-old John France and his new wife, 25-year-old wife Amanda Weisal France, denied the claim by France’s old wife, Lynn France, that John is guilty of bigamy.

John married Lynn in 2005 in Italy and moved into a luxury home in Westlake.

He says when the couple later contemplated getting a divorce, his lawyers discovered no evidence that Italian authorities ever filed a marriage license.

“If you don’t have the right paperwork, you’re not married. If you buy a house and don’t have the right paperwork, you don’t have the property rights, if the title isn’t valid,” France told Fox 8 News.

Lynn France says she learned that her husband married Amanda Weisal in 2008 when she clicked on Amanda’s Facebook page and discovered pictures of the wedding at Disney World.

But when she was waiting tables, she had to carry stuff:

On Nov. 9, 2007, she reported slipping and hurting her back while waitressing at the Red Robin restaurant in Quakertown.

After being awarded payments by a judge, she collected nearly $23,000 in disability benefits and more than $4,000 in medical expenses, according to the state.

“But she was observed working as an exotic dancer during the time she was supposedly injured and collecting Workers Compensation payments,” according to Attorney General Tom Corbett.

An ex-pat comes home to the United States to visit his folks and watches day-time television for the first time. A nugget:

I bite my tongue during the whole of the next ad for Kraft cheese. “Only one nation could create it,” says the voiceover, “and that is America.” To the outsider, there may be some comic mileage in unironic patriotic pride being expressed over the invention of processed cheese-food formed into bright yellow sheets and stacked like Post-it notes, but not to me. Let my children snort and roll their eyes. I’m unmoved.

Read more »

A thrilling story of chills and spills:

The employees behind the truck looked up and realized the forklift had indeed stopped. What they didn’t realize, until just a tad too late, was that while they had stopped and the forklift had stopped, the portable toilet had, unfortunately, not stopped.

Follow the link for the rest of the story.

Details from El Reg.

The big question is, did they get David?

Someone snuck (sic) into Gibson’s front lawn and snatched close to 150 (lawn gnomes–ed.).

“I had them all along the flower bed here and then I had them on the brick,” Gibson said as she pointed toward her fence. “I had them all out in front of my flower pots.”

Gibson figures the thief or thieves stole close to $2,000 worth of lawn gnomes.

I’m trying to visualize a yard with 200 gnomes.

To my relief, I am unable to.

Video at the link.

You can’t make this stuff up.

The Greater Boston YMCA will train its 1,500 employees in Eastern Massachusetts on a state law protecting mothers’ right to breast-feed in public, after an employee at its Woburn facility told a mother to stop breast-feeding her baby because doing so violated the Y’s policy against eating food in a child care facility.

The rule in question is designed to keep persons from spilling vuctuals on the floor to attracting varmints. It is anti-varmint victual, not anti-infant ingestion.

This is an oldy but moldy. I heard it on Michael Feldman’s show and found a transcript here.

Dress Code: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing $350 Prada shoes and carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Read more »

Teenage girl steals puppy.

Parents find it was stolen and make her give it back.

It says something that this is considered news.

From the BBC:

Marks and Spencer has started to sell over-sized school uniforms for overweight children as young as four.

Its new Plus schoolwear range includes clothes for pre-school children with waistlines of up to 23ins, a size usually worn by eight-year-olds.

Fools for luv, that is:

A Facebook feud between two women who claimed to love the same prison inmate led to a high-speed chase and a crash that critically injured one of the rivals, killed her friend and left the second rival facing murder charges.

Meanwhile, the twits mount a counter-offensive.