C’est Rire category archive

When will they ever learn?

A Norristown woman suspected of writing dozens of graffiti tags was identified after she used her MySpace account name in her work, according to police.

’nuff said:

Peter Leary of “up-market establishment” Seagrass was faced with an unpaid $520 bill after five diners “worked their way expertly through the menu, ordered and drank fine wines”, tucked into dessert and finally deployed the “nipping out for a smoke” ruse to make good their escape.

Leary then remembered that “when the group arrived, one of them had asked about one of our waitresses who was not working that night”.

The absent waitress in question was able to give Leary the name of her fleet-footed acquaintance, and he immediately ran it through Facebook. He explained: “I searched the name and there he was, large as life. And he was pictured with his girlfriend – the only girl who had been in the group.”

In Maryland, State Troopers to obey speed limits. What’s the world coming to?

State troopers will only be allowed to exceed the posted speed limit in nonlife-threatening situations if authorized by a supervisor at the barrack, said Sgt. Arthur Betts, a spokesman for the state police.

Yeah.

We’ll see.

Aside: I have known a lot of police officers. Almost all of them have been good, decent persons. The percentage of good, decent persons in policing is a lot higher than the percentage of good decent persons in, say, the hedge fund or investment banking industry.

Nevertheless, I’m sure I’m not the only person who finds it frustrating when an officer cruises down the road “keeping pace with the traffic” (that is, going 10 mph over the speed limit) one day and issues tickets for regular drivers who do the same thing the next day.

Wow! Visit the Inauguration like a President.

Of General Motors.

The 44th Commander-In-Chief Package is $440,000 for a four-night stay for four guests in the two-bedroom Shoreham Presidential Suite. The package also includes:

• Private jet for arrival and departure
• Private in-room dinner for four, prepared by a personal chef with entertainment by political satirist Mark Russell
• Private breakfast served daily
• Personal concierge and chauffeur available 24 hours a day
• Entry for four to “A New Birth of Freedom” inaugural events on January 20
• $44,000 shopping spree from the Lambros Jewelry Inauguration Collection
• Pre-inauguration makeover by Elizabeth Arden’s Red Door Salon & Spa
• Commemorative inaugural photo album with a personal inaugural photographer
• Personalized President and First Lady cologne and perfume
• Presidential puppy of guests’ choice upon departure

Via Wait! Wait!

Received via email:

A 75-year-old Texas rancher recently explained this term to a country doctor.

The conversation turned to the US election, and Sarah Palin’s vice-presidential candidacy, and the old rancher observed: “Well, ya know, Palin is a post-turtle.”

The bemused doctor asked what a post-turtle was, and the old man replied: “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post-turtle.”

The rancher continued: “You know she didn’t get up there by herself, she doesn’t belong up there, she doesn’t know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumbass put her up there to begin with.”

H/T Alison.

I don’t know who this is, but it’s not me:

The analysis indicates that the author of http://www.pineviewfarm.net/weblog is of the type:

ESTP – The Doers

The active and play-ful type. They are especially attuned to people and things around them and often full of energy, talking, joking and engaging in physical out-door activities.

The Doers are happiest with action-filled work which craves their full attention and focus. They might be very impulsive and more keen on starting something new than following it through. They might have a problem with sitting still or remaining inactive for any period of time.

And I have the MBPTI to prove it. I’m an INSJ.

Via Andrew Sullivan.

We learn from our youth that “Nature abhors a vacuum.”

So, where do all the vacuums go?

I figured it out today.

Between the ears of my dogs.

I was vacuuming today (not the same thing as a vacuum, even though I was using a vacuum).

The dogs don’t like the vacuum (it’s probably the high frequency of the electric motor). The one dog will view it suspiciously from her perch on the couch. If she’s not on the couch, she will hide under a bed.

With Robin-Hood-like accuracy, she invariably chooses the next bed under which I intend to vacuum.

(The one other dog will, if I don’t keep a sharp eye on him, attempt to pee on it–to show it who’s boss, I guess, sort of like the opening scene of that old mini-series, Shogun).

The other two (this includes the little pisser) sit in a corner of the room and watch.

When I go into another room, they follow me.

Why, I ask, if they don’t like the damn vacuum so much, don’t they just leave?

That’s when I figured out where all the vacuums go.

And oh boy! is this true.

English doesn’t borrow from other languages.
English follows other languages down dark alleys,
knocks them over and goes
through their pockets for loose grammar.

Gambling’s down:

The 5.5 percent cut in its workforce of about 7,600 was unavoidable in the deteriorating economy, said Rob Stillwell, a spokesman for Las Vegas-based Boyd Gaming Corp., which co-owns the Borgata with MGM Mirage.

The Borgata layoffs follow Harrah’s Entertainment Inc.’s announcement last Friday that it was cutting hundreds of employees at its four Atlantic City casinos: Bally’s, Showboat, Harrah’s Resort and Caesars. The four casinos employed 16,034 in September.

So let’s light up:

The City Council had passed a total smoking ban in April, but then the financial meltdown rocked the economy and led to even steeper declines at the casinos.

The council changed its mind at the last moment and agreed to repeal the smoking ban for at least a year, but couldn’t legally stop the no-smoking rules from taking effect on Oct. 15.

The ban expired a minute after midnight Sunday, and gamblers can now light up again.

The theory seems to be that hoards of unemployed and laid-off smokers who don’t know where their next meal is coming from or whether they will have a house next month will flood the casinos and feed the quarter-eaters.

What a business model.

The Gender Analyzer got me right.

(Karen, however, appears to have Issues.)

Via Noz.

Man, I think I’m going to get some of that Mighty Mendit stuff.

But wait! There’s more!

Beats sewing.

Now, where did I put that flying pig?

There’s me, for example.

And, er, him.

But I bet he didn’t set it up and configure it himself.

Via Andrew Sullivan.

Addendum:

One contributor thinks that Sarah Palin is behind Joe the Dumber’s new blog.

Lib Dems in England are so much more fun than the ones here in the States.

I just got an email including a memo “From Blue States to Red States.”

I haven’t found the original, but I did find a source on the web.

You can read an excerpt below the fold.

Read more »

Over at ASZ.

On the day that I’m painting the floor of the back porch and can’t let the dogs out into the backyard until the paint dries, Stinky Sparky gets the throw-ups.

In Illinois.

H/T Karen for the link.

‘cept I’m too old.

Via NN.

(I know it’s not a great picture. I accidently hit the “settings” wheel on my camera and moved it off “auto,” but it’s too strange to pass up. I doctored it up as best as I could in Paintshop Pro.)

It’s the kind of place that most locals visit only two three times in a life time, say, for a 10 anniversary or some such celebration, when they are willing to drop $50-$75 a person for a meal.

When Monday night’s game was suspended because of rain, the Rays found that the rooms they had rented at the Westin were already booked (for Tuesday night–ed.).

After some calls, the team found a hotel that had enough rooms for all the players — the posh Hotel du Pont in downtown Wilmington, Del.

Some lucky folks dine there every day.

Or, at least, they did until Bushonomics.